Just when I was writing unsure of the blessing of good habits, my Lord answered my prayer today. Praise to my loving Lord. He's just so thoughtful and cares about me so much, that He gives me wisdom and confirmations, so I can walk in His way with amazement.
Nobody has spoken about this as clear as Pastor Randy did today. I realized, yes that's real. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.'' Matt 7:7 when I lift my doubts and problem up to God, He broke them down and solved it COMPLETELY for me. It is so amazing.
Pastor Randy talked about marriage and intimacy originally today, but then it extended to reach the deep knot I had in my heart. After the Cathay thing, I started to doubt if my way of life as a Christian was too unyielding and rigid. So I started experimenting different ways of life and opened doors to different kinds of temptation to myself, see if this is actually a more realistic way to live. Yes, dangerous. I was once a devoted one to serve others, but then I found myself didn't fit in this world and panicked. So I started thinking maybe I should consider a little bit more about myself.
Unexpectedly, my view of the Christian life changed slowly. I thought maybe as we are born with sin, sinning is something we can never avoid. We should cut ourselves loose once in a while. I slowly took the bait of Satan.
Pastor Randy said, even in the intimacy of marriage, if we only concern about ourselves – how our spouse can fulfill us; how am I gonna get this and that…etc, we WON'T get fulfillment in relationship. We are not going to get a fulfilled life eventually. To solve this problem, we should think like a servant. Sex as the ultimate intimate relation we can have given by God, should be something we see with a servant's heart too. Now I see God's beauty in it and no longer think that is something dirty anymore.
So true, husband and wife are to learn to serve one another, grow together and experience better fulfillment together. Through this, they can actually know each other better in every way ultimately. This is a process of refinement and learning. I can see how great marriage can be (to be honest I was afraid of that whole idea before). Praise to God! That is such a good thing on earth.
That solves my issue of long-term-relationship phobia too. I'm totally scared of maintaining relationships, because I hate being abandoned and I was abandoned a couple of times. So, now actually all kinds of relationships are a type of service! I am good at giving service! God is trying to tell me ''yes you can do it with my help!'':') I am so delighted, it is like my world is filled with hope again. Yes this has been bothering me for quite some time already…I always wanted to bail, I love making new friends but I am scared of what happens next – when others start to know me and I start to know others.
Relationships are about communication, refinement and patience. It is not about taking all bad things in, it is about how to be better together! It is about mutual service and growing together. It is about LOTS of talking, adjusting and understanding! Suddenly I can see relationships in a whole new way.
I really thank God for giving me courage to confront my fear. Or actually He has taken away my fear with His love.
And yes, this then extended to heal the deep of my heart. He gently told me that ''yes, living a righteous life IS fulfilling! Don't seek to get pleasure from this world, but follow my ways! You will find true joy! don't worry I am the One you can trust!'' I can't believe that, He talked to me about this so gently, He didn't even try to be forceful. Thank you so much for Your love for me Lord.
And I will learn Your way to turn a fallen one back to Yourself. How gentle and wise You are!
Good habits from God are GREAT! Now I know and I am not scared anymore:)